Pretzels in Johnson City, TN

“Opening an Auntie Ruth's on campus was downright evil of whoever made this decision. President Noland approving this establishment was the single most diabolical decision he has made in his twelve years of presidency at ETSU. Someone really did say "oh you know the place that sells the single greatest things to ever touch anyone's taste buds? Yeah, let's open one of those on our college campus. What could possibly go wrong?" I'll tell you what could possibly go wrong. MY WALLET. You can't expect me to just walk past Carter Hall and NOT want to get a pretzel. What are you insane? Do you hate fun? I bet you're thinking "just don't get a pretzel, it's not that hard." Listen, you don't understand. Resisting the urge to get something from Auntie Ruth's is like trying not to drown in a riptide with a block of concrete tied to your ankle. Like that, but worse. You never learned how to swim and you didn't think to let your food settle before getting in the water so now you have a cramp. Also there's a hurricane.

Basically what I'm trying to say here is that the bakers must powder their donuts with crack because there's no other possible explanation for how the things at this place are so good. Why on god's purple earth (sorry I'm colorblind) did they decide to open this place? Does the school enjoy watching people suffer? As if the crippling weight of my student loans wasn't enough, now I have to deal with the unbearable weight of the most addictive substance on the planet second to heroin being readily available on campus. Thank god this place closes at 1:30 or else ETSU might implode in on itself if it were open any longer because of how powerful the school is with this place on-site.

With this review, I have attached a photo of a pretzel purchased from this location. Expo marker for scale.“

“great food, fellowship, and fun“