3.1
Average
168 Reviews
20041 Ventura Boulevard, Woodland Hills
Customers’ favorites
- Build Your Own Bigger Plate - 2 Half Sides
- Build Your Own Bigger Plate - 1 Full Side
- Build Your Own Plate - 2 Half Sides
- Build Your Own Bowl - 2 Half Sides
“Well, today, after Honey booked up my entire weekend, he turned around—the absolute nerve of this man—and basically flaked on me. He flaked. Tonight. We were supposed to go to Santa Monica and have fish and chips. Instead, I am sitting at home alone. Apparently the Sizzler from last night made him sick. Now, despite the explosive diarrhea and puking, you would think he could power through for me, wouldn't you??? Apparently not. So now I'm stuck at home with my four hungry Mexican Midget Mafia members—the Chihuahua crew, my tiny criminal organization. Since it's approximately one million degrees outside, I decided to go to Panda Express. I wanted to try their new barbecue brisket. Back in the day, one of my favorite things at Panda Express was their Chinese barbecue pork. Then, at some point in my twenties, Panda Express cruelly ripped it from the menu and left a hole in my heart that has never fully healed. My order used to be simple: orange chicken, barbecue pork, and steamed rice. These days it's mostly orange chicken. Lots of orange chicken. So I pulled into Panda Express and ordered what can only be described as my usual compromise with adulthood: 90% steamed rice and 10% chow mein. I got the barbecue brisket, orange chicken, and teriyaki chicken. The teriyaki chicken wasn't for me, that was for my pack. My dogs hear a Panda Express bag crinkle from three rooms away and suddenly act like they work narcotics at LAX. Panda Express is kind enough to chop the chicken into tiny pieces for them, and the second I walk through the door, my Chihuahua gang assembles for inspection. So, verdict? I'd rather have the barbecue pork back. That's the verdict. And even though Honey is today's villain, I've still talked to him for five hours today. Five hours. I don't know why he had to go and get himself sick tonight. We could have been in Santa Monica eating fish and chips instead of me sitting here ALONE eating Panda Express. He's been dragging me to chain restaurants for weeks, and tonight was supposed to be my reward. He could have pushed through in an astronaut diaper if he really wanted to impress me. Instead, I got barbecue brisket. The food filled me up....but left me sad and soulless.”
Chinese · $$
