3.9
Good
278 Reviews
1673 Willow Pass Road, Concord
“By God’s own bleeding wounds, I am struck dumb and addled with frantic, feverish ecstasy! My recent, fateful pilgrimage into this festering yet paradisiacal grotto of culinary debauchery—known unto the vulgar as the China Wall Buffet—doth beggar the very soul and reduce one’s intellectual faculties to a sputtering tallow-dip in a gale! Upon darkening the threshold of this magnificent plague-pit, the presiding sibyl of the vestibule did hail mine visage with such harrowing, relentless familiarity—as though an entire epoch had dissolved into vapor since yesterday’s gluttonous routing—that my very marrow turned to warm treacle! For the paltry tribute of nineteen silver groats and sundry coppers, I was granted sovereign licence to plunge headlong into a subterranean sea of perpetual grease, wandering a grand hall of absolute abundance with trembling hands to plunder the mountainous, steaming viscera of the line myself! Behold the victuals, ye wretched groundlings! Long, sinuous skeins of wheat-flesh writhing in unholy oils, and savory meat-pouches folded tighter than the state secrets of the Crown! And oh, the fowl!—doused in the blistering, phantom fury of New Spain's peppers, yet carrying no genuine malice to rend the constitution asunder! Yet, I pray thee, hearken unto the madness that doth pass all human comprehension! They proffer cold, lifeless rectangles of briny marsh-rice, burdened with raw, un-hallowed fragments of the dark ocean’s abyss—presented utterly bereft of the purifying, holy grace of God’s own hearthfire! To ingest such cold, slippery maritime blasphemy at a common trough is a game of Russian roulette played with the Almighty’s very bowels! Yet, by some unholy, necromantic alchemy, having partaken of a modest triad or quartet of morsels to tempt perdition, mine entrails yet hold their fortress against the void! Absolute, mind-shattering perfection! A spectacle so bloody outrageous it doth make the angels weep and the devils dance a jig of pure, unadulterated triumph! Five stars out of five, and may a plague consume every other kitchen in Christendom!”